Were they mere excuses that I gave to mask my laziness?

Or were they hints of disinterest that could be only be cured by a fresh touch of God's hands?

It's starting to get blurry for me, whether it's due to my lack of discipline or was it because it's not really some place I should belong?

And there's a better place waiting for me?

I'm referring to my church attendance.....

What happens when you feel there's no difference in attending and not attending and you rather spend your Sundays sleeping in?

Does compromising in attending a physical church equals to neglectment of God?

Does church=commitment and you have to force yourself to get up every Sunday no matter how disinterested you are? The commitment that applies in any other relationships, for eg: allocating time to help a friend no matter how busy you are.......

I'm desperately seeking the life where I can tell myself everyday when I wake up, "I'm one of those most fulfilled person alive, I don't need anything anymore, for finally I've found what I wanted"

What's on my wish list now is for the guidance and covering from like-minded people whom together, we serve in the Army of His Great Kingdom.

I have been struggling lately, trying to comprehend the emptiness in my life......

Yea, the Ugly Duckling syndrome I've been talking bout in my previous post...I've been trying to find the causes and of course the solution...

I guess last night was another major turning point in my relationship with my Father up above......

After a very insightful conversation with a friend of mine last night, I finally found the reason for the vacumn in my life...the vacumn I've tried to fill with lotsa things but to no avail

Let me firstly tell a story, that started it all...

Long, long ago, I was made known the Truth I could not deny and I acknowledge...that classic Christmas story that Jesus came and died for my sins and for everyone's so that we all have a chance to be reunited with our Father up above, the place we rightfully belong...

Frankly, I do not understand much although it's just a simple truth that I've once been told even a 5-year-old kid can understand.....a lot of Why questions in my head....
and frankly, it was just an acknowledgment of the Truth, I didn't see His face like some can, I didn't experience the so-called, "I can hear Him speaking to me", "I can feel Him lifting me up" those kind of of stuffs.......nothing overtly 'spiritual'...

What was obvious though are strange things that happen, things I couldn't explain with logic, things some might attribute to mere coincidence, magic or pure luck..yet deep inside I know it was all His doings.....

And so days go by, I have my fair share of ups and downs, awakenings and back-slidings in faith, persecutions, academic success, the spice of starting new relationships, breaking them, mending them, family conflicts, indifference, mood swings, eating disorders, office gossips and politics, disappointments with the Church, loneliness........

Throughout it all, sad to say and to put it simply, I wasn't living the life He intended for mine to be.....I heard the Truth, but I'm not living up to that Truth. I tried to follow what the Church tells me, their system...I read the Book and other books on how to do it.....I was filled with zest with each new awakening......but soon, I slacked, I became lazy...and soon, I found all my efforts to be pointless...I became a task-oriented so-called Christian

Soon I went into hiding too...contrary to what He said how we who are already heard the Truth and claim we believe in Him should live......
I hid because I gave up.....I felt pointless talking about Jesus when the first reaction of people hearing it is to frown or to run away or change topics
And being a people-pleaser, I need to look good, talk good, good things that will entertain instead of annoy
I tried subtle, indirect ways, because I never like to force people....I don't even use Jesus in my conversations, referring the God I claim to love with a mere He

I tried blogging about my experiences, those little miracles He did for me, yet still I leave the part of telling the simple Truth behind. It was too burdensome for me to tell sumthing so major, so eventually it became something minor...and I'm afraid to be shunned, I'm afraid to be called the freakingly annoying Christian that people will pass off as just another Insurance agent or direct-sales marketer trying to sell their 'product'

but He said,
5:14 You are the light of the world. A city located on a hill cannot be hidden. 5:15 People do not light a lamp and put it under a basket but on a lampstand, and it gives light to all in the house. 5:16 In the same way, let your light shine before people, so that they can see your good deeds and give honor to your Father in heaven. (Matthew 5:14-16)

I can't hide......my destiny is not to hide...
If I still do not want to reveal, I'm not living to my true purpose......
And I know it by every word I said about Jesus, every fact that I tried to tell the world, I felt just a piece of His love filling up the vacumn in my life
I felt the joy of finally being able to live as who I really am, instead of who the world wants me to be
I felt for once, I'm FUNCTIONING

 And so I found the answer.......is to just simply live to tell of His goodness......How?
a) Walking with Him closely, seeking Him and loving Him with all my heart, mind and soul
b) It's no longer Him, but Jesus...I will tell the world simply and directly that Jesus came, died for us all and rose again, I will tell He is God...yea, they can call me an annoying freak, but nothing's gonna stop me. And my job is not to convert, but rather to convey. My job is not to condemn but to love people, to share the Goodness of Truth of salvation. But I won't be disappointed even if it doesn't work out, coz :

13:3 He told them many things in parables,saying: “Listen! A sower went out to sow.13:4 And as he sowed, some seeds fell along the path, and the birds came and devoured them. 13:5 Other seeds fell on rocky ground where they did not have much soil. They sprang up quickly because the soil was not deep. 13:6 But when the sun came up, they were scorched, and because they did not have sufficient root, they withered. 13:7 Other seeds fell among the thorns, and they grew up and choked them. 13:8 But other seeds fell on good soil and produced grain, some a hundred times as much, some sixty, and some thirty. (Matthew 13:3-8)

I must acknowledge the fact that just as not every seed sown can produce a crop, not every word I tell about Him will result in a complete change of heart. But that is not for me to worry, my job is simply to live as how He called me for, to TELL

c) My job as the Ambassador
One of Black Eyed Peas song, has the infamous question, "Do you practice what you preach?"
So this is my third function, practicing what I tell........

So the next time, when people ask me the reason for my faith this is my answer:
" I have no reason, but merely its the Truth that I should follow. Jesus claimed himself to be the Father
“I and the Father are one.” John 10:30
17:1 When Jesus had finished saying these things, he looked upward to heaven and said, “Father, the time has come. Glorify your Son, so that your Son may glorify you – 17:2 just as you have given him authority over all humanity, so that he may give eternal life to everyone you have given him. 17:3 Now this is eternal life – that they know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ,whom you sent.  (John 17:1-3)

And from here, I know Jesus is God :) , the only true God/and if I chose to believe Him, I should believe in every word Jesus said. Else, I should just say he's out of his mind, or he's lying....
And this truth keeps me Alive, it assures me that despite the arrows that has been shot at me from every direction. I have a truth that I can seek refuge from

So from now onwards, as Starship's song goes, Nothing's Gonna Stop us Now :)
This is my song today to You, Father

And we can build this dream together
Standing strong forever
Nothings gonna stop us now
And if this world runs out of lovers
Well still have each other
Nothings gonna stop us